Ugly Girl - December 26, 2012

Wow she gets ugly... she can feel and say some shit that is unbelievably cruel. Only by having others treat her with cruelty has she learned how to act this way herself. However, youth and an unfortunate past are not license to continue in this pattern. Earth energy is heavy...God... "heavy" has been such a predominant theme in my life... I want to fly....I want to be "the wind" the air gently rustling through the leaves or blowing fiercely from time to time,with a purpose in mind...a destination,a goal... The last time I set a "major" goal in stone and saw it through in "the right way" I believe I was 16 years old...Come to think of it, that is the last time I "really admired myself"...WTF really??? Thats some hard core shit considering that I am 54 years old...huh...lets see (pauses to use calculator...) 38 freakin years ago... WOW...what a waste of fucking time and energy and life...not another minute...not even one, will I intentionally waste. Commit...be what you commit to be...only then will you have integrity for yourself...practice all that shit you preach bitch...stuff a sock in your mouth and press the "just do it" button...Do it, and do it well with love and hope and service and joy...

ANGER.... Something we carry around inside of us for weeks, months, years... Do you know how when certain subject matter comes up...your whole body reacts to it?? Whether you want it to or not?? You start talking louder, you get more animated, something twists in your gut?? That's "old moldy anger" that you have not let go of... People in my life have hurt me or damaged me in some way. Some have hurt my family members. When I revisit the subject matter I get PISSED OFF all over again. Then what happens to that anger that has resurfaced??? It sits there hiding, waiting, for some poor innocent to say the wrong thing and then BAM..that person is the recipient of your "old moldy" anger... What to do...how do I give my anger away every day, so that some poor unsuspecting soul is not the recipient of my crap??? Walk....breathe...pray...meditate...breathe the earths clean air into my nostrils and deep into my lungs and breathe out frustration, anger, pain, sadness..and insecurity...breathe it back into mother earth...she will take ALL of the anger we can muster...we can scream, pound the earth, run or walk off the anger...earth can take the beating and turn it into beauty...she takes our carbon dioxide and turns it into "new life" new breath...a new day...with NO anger...deliver whatever you have into her waiting arms and she will gladly take it from you...Where else has there EVER been someone to "gladly" take your anger from you??

Checking In 11-28-12

November 28, 2012 Inventory Danced today, watered plants, went outside to feel the wind and feel my feet planted firmly on the ground. Felt the wind swirl around me and past me. Sensed it on my face and neck. Made lunch...chicken salad for the family. My eats today 6 shortbread cookies 1 egg, 1 slice toast, 1 small slice of ham spinich dip and bread chicken salad 4 oz of eggnog with a little smakeral of brandy and some nutmeg another day victorious over tobacco hmmmmmm, I can do this better tomorrow, I think... steppin in....all in.....I'm laughing, but I'm so scared...not sure of what...lol!

Warrior Heart Journey 8-11-12

Interesting day really. I think I started this journey before today. I met Bill's wife Robin about a month ago and my encounter with her (and Mercedes) flipped a switch in my life, it forever altered my path. Right now I will call it an "awareness" of not only my authentic behaviors, but also those behaviors that need to fall in line behind what I say and what I believe. I "believe" many things, I intellectually "know" the path that leads to joy...but then I often times (far too often) choose the path that is in direct conflict with my desires for myself...What the fuck is that? Right??? I think I can go deeper in these teachings, they are ancient, real, and they fall directly in-line with what I have always believed to be true...that LOVE can be the answer to many of lifes negative paths, that with enough love in your heart you can move mountains. That each one of us holds a special "key" that no one else holds. That being the very best that we can be is all we have and that we have to make it count...

Checking in 11-16-12

11-16-2012 This is a journey of awareness, not numbness. I have been asleep for so long. Not feeling the unpleasant and ignoring it's presence in my life. Then an awakening a silent tranquil power. A power that is born of pain, born of trials, born of rejection...A reaching into a place where I have never been before. A realization that my joy, my love, my moments are MINE for the asking, a prize waiting to be bestowed on the intellectual realization of the existence of the elements. FEAR LESS...move into the glory of the light!